Droids and Other Disasters

You know how sometimes your grandma calls and says something interesting like: "My computer is sick and the pictures on the screen keep jumping around like bunnies." So you go to her house only to find an industrial grade magnet the size of your thigh stuck to the motherboard side of her desktop computer. You take the magnet off, explain that magnets are to computers what the iceberg was to the Titanic, and you all have a laugh about technological shenanigans at family gatherings for years to come. (And yes, that really did happen). Well, that's a bit like how I feel about my new Motorola Droid 2 smart phone.

If you follow me on Twitter, you already know the confusion that occurred. Aside from needing (and lacking) an instruction manual the size of an unabridged dictionary, I immediately had technical difficulties. After turning the phone off Wednesday night, I decided I might need to make some calls on Thursday, or be otherwise connected to the rest of the world. In my opinion, that was not an unreasonable request.

Soon after turning the phone on, I started getting text messages from friends saying that 5 days worth of previous text messages had just been resent. The Droid did this all by itself, thus making me question how smart my phone actually was. I decided there was a good possibility it was inhabited by the Prince of Darkness himself. Friends, especially those who were displeased with the duplicate messages, received another message that I may or may not have had something to do with saying something like: "Since you were one of the lucky recipients of a duplicate text message, congratulations, you have been chosen. Hellfire and Brimstone wishes, from the Prince of Darkness. Future owner of your sooouuuul." (And yes, the Prince of Darkness does sound a little like the Dread Pirate Roberts).

My Droid's evil tendencies prompted me to name it Megatron, but then I remembered I've already cristened a car and other complicated things that piss me off with that name. So, I decided on MM (Mini Megatron) instead. I took MM back to the store and exchanged it. So far the new phone isn't showing signs of possession, but with my genetics (see Mom story below, and Grandma story above), I never rule anything out.

Technology related disasters are not an isolated event in my family. My mom (AKA: The Destroyer) manages to crash her hard drive at least once every 3 months. Soon, Best Buy is going to stop allowing her to buy their product protection plans. I can't begin to fathom the amount of money they're losing. Recently, The Destroyer was asked to teach a Computer Basics class to the good Spanish speaking folk of her little Florida town. Problem number 1: She is The Destroyer. Problem number 2: The Destroyer doesn't speak Spanish. I call bad judgment on the part of the class organizers. Really. Bad. Judgment.

I didn't attend the class since The Destroyer and Grandma were already there, and two generations of catastrophe-causing family members in one location with a bunch of computers seemed like enough of a recipe for the apocolypse. But I hear The Destroyer taught the Spanish people several words they weren't even aware existed. Most of these words ended in the letter "o" (ie. mouseo, keyboardo, Windowso). Next, they'll have her teaching a class on the Droid. Hijinks, hilarity and the possibility of the homeland security threat level sprinting to red will ensue.

For me, I've figured out the basics. Turning the phone on and off is a breeze, and after a brief breakdown and screaming that might have resulted in the neighbors calling animal control, I was able to figure out how to unlock the phone to answer my phone call. And don't even get me started on all the apps! This is information overload I tell you! I can't help but question why one might need Twitter access while, say, taking a bathroom break. I find myself wondering if I really want to be this connected.

My extremely intelligent software architect husband doesn't have this problem. In fact, he's in love. In the last three days, it has become blindingly clear that if he could take his Droid Incredible as a second wife, he would. Perhaps there's even a succubus living inside his phone planting these thoughts in his head. Considering the possession abilities already demonstrated in my Droid, one should definitely not rule this possibility out. Husband spent 6 hours with his phone on Wednesday, another 7 hours last night, and tonight he asked me to use the Droid to map the closest Post Office even though we've lived in this neighborhood and used its Post Office for 5 years.

Despite the possession, my husband's obsession, and a family with anti-technological genetics capable of taking down a small country, I really do think the Droid is handy. Everything is so much more convenient now and I can keep in touch and get my work done without sitting in front of a computer 24 hours a day. If I can pass the learning curve and the Prince of Darkness doesn't make a reappearance, I see a bright future for MM and me.

Slush Pile Hell

I've been super busy revising Branson Falls. The most important thing I've learned from Eternal Starling, and my successful author friends, is that you must revise, revise, revise and when you think you're done revising, do it again. I feel so good about Branson Falls and want to make sure it's the best it can be before I start to query.

But, that's not to say I don't need a break sometimes and this link on an agent's Twitter account today made me giggle. So for your enjoyment, check out slush pile hell.

http://slushpilehell.tumblr.com/

Laugh or Cry

Sometimes in life you either laugh or you cry. My mom has taught me to laugh. A lot. My mom's name is Natalie but her nickname is Natastrophe because wherever she goes, a catastrophe follows. She is a real-life version of Stephanie Plum. She was recently propositioned by the "Hooter Hunter" at a gas station in Wyoming (luckily I'd explained to her what "hooters" were a few months earlier or her conversation with him might have been an even bigger disaster), her cars start on fire on a regular basis, and anything that can go wrong, will. I'm just hoping her bad luck isn't genetic. You probably think I'm kidding, but I'm not. And to prove it, I've posted an email from her recent visit to Florida to help my brother and sister. This stuff happens to her on a daily basis.

I am sending this to you so you can get a giggle out of a Monday morning.

Well, “Dr. Rooter” the septic tank company finally arrived this morning. He pulled up and wanted to check out the situation first, so he parked out front. He searched and found the tank underground…then went on an exploring expedition to find the tank lid to clean out the tank. Forty five minutes later, he found it and the front part of the yard was dug up…which isn’t too bad considering it is all sand down here so it is easy to dig and repair landscape. He told me he would back the truck into the area so he didn’t drive over the drain fields. He got in his truck and all of a sudden I heard this crashing, crunching sound in the street…He had just run over my mailbox. The mailbox detached itself from the wooden pole and went flying through the air, landing in the ditch across the street. The front of his bumper didn’t look too bad, but the mailbox pole wasn’t looking too promising…another project to fix before I leave tomorrow.

He was able to uncover the septic tank and informed me that it looked like our tank had NEVER been cleaned out. It was compeletly full and backed up into the line that goes into the house. He began pumping…and pumping…and pumping. (This is definitely not a job that I would want and I'll gladly pay someone else to help me.) More than an hour went by so I went out to check on his progress and found that he was almost done…except that we had a major clog in the line between the tank and the house that the snake would not move; so the water was still backing up into the house. Not a fun thing because he had just had me dump over 40 gallons of HOT water down the system to get it to drain, which hadn’t worked.

We ran an outside hose into the line backwards, flushed the system out, and finally got it to work. I went in to get my wallet and when I came back outside, the guy was standing over the septic tank hole and had this very sad face…I mean, very, VERY sad face. He had gone to lift the cement lid back onto the septic tank and had accidentally dropped the WHOLE cement lid into the bottom of the tank. He had to call his company for re-enforcements to lift the lid out of the tank…that wasn’t fun either. When the other men arrived, He was upside down, trying to reach the cement lid and almost had to crawl inside to get to it. (I don’t think they pay him enough to do this job).

He shimmied out of the septic tank, having attached a rope and crow bar to the lid. It took three men to lift the lid out of the tank. He then used the garden hose to wash himself off. Meanwhile, I had called in the payment to the office and gotten the confirmation number for him. He told me he was having a very bad day today…I told him it was probably because, as my oldest daughter would say, “He got caught in the Calamity Natalie Vortex.” As a general rule, these things only happen to me. Good thing we have a sense of humor at our house. My escapades create much amusement for our family.

Before he left, he asked if I had a husband around and wanted to know if he could fix the mailbox for me. I told him I have a husband, but he was in Wyoming running our businesses. I said I had a drill and some screws so I could repair the mailbox.” He gave me a very strange look but it won’t be the first time that people have thought I was a little strange! He asked if I was sure I could take care of the mailbox (like women aren’t supposed to know how to do these things) and said he would help me. I think he was feeling guilty for hitting it in the first place. I reassured him it was fine and that I appreciated what he had done cleaning out the septic tank. He had found time to go out and push the mailbox pole back up so the mailbox wasn’t lying on the ground; however, it is at an extremely precarious slant. He put the mailbox on top of the pole, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to repair.

After having the septic tank pumped; going to Palatka to retrieve necessary items to resolve several problems at both houses in Florida (such as getting cleaning supplies to CLEAN the tubs, shower, sinks, and toilets, etc); I arrived back at the house at approximately 8:15 pm. Just as I was coming in the house, a torrential rain storm began…this one was a mean one…I have discovered that storms have their own personalities in Florida, and this one was just PLAIN MEAN! I barely made it in the house in time.

I thought, well, the water system is working so I'll start the dishwasher and I do the final load of wash so I can pack and get ready to go back to Wyoming tomorrow. I put the load in the wash and then I prepared to clean all the sinks, etc. I changed into some other clothes, put on my trusty cleaning gloves, and went to work. Now, mind you, because I knew I WAS THE ONE that was going to showering and bathing and using these sinks, this was a much determined, heavy duty, elbow scrubbing job. I cleaned the sinks first with Clorox Cleanup, then the tubs, then the shower, and I put cleaning solution in both toilets. Then, I went back and recleaned all those items with comet. They just didn’t seem to be as clean as I wanted them the first time. Nor, did they seem clean enough the second time…so I went back ONE MORE TIME and did another disinfectant. I finished the sinks and tubs and I was just finishing the final cleaning of the shower (I hadn’t started the toilets yet) when the washer went into the rinse cycle….and sure enough, you guessed it, the GLUGGING, gurgling sound in the toilet began again and I watched as the washing machine rinse water backed up the sewer into all the tubs and sinks again…

I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!!! The problem had not been solved. I jumped up from the shower and ran and turned off the washer so it wouldn’t overflow in the shower and go out onto the floor. I took my disposable cleaning gloves off and threw them away and was just headed to the kitchen to wash my hands and get my cell phone when all of a sudden I heard a crash in the dining area. I ran to the dining room and get this….the ROOF WAS LEAKING. A section of the ceiling had just fallen on the dining room chairs.

Well, I grabbed two big salad bowls out of the cabinet and set them under the leak…then I cleaned up the mess, somewhat, and took stock of what I should do next…I found the phone, and by now it was 9:30 pm. Dr. Rooter is on call 24/7…for good reason…and so I was able to get hold of the receptionist there. She informed me that it was probably my drain fields that had backed up because of the terrible storm and had filled the septic tank. I explained that I needed to leave for the airport by 1:00 pm to fly back to Wyoming and I could really use some help. She scheduled a plumber to call me at 7:00 am then next morning.

I had set my clock for 5 Am so I could get ready to fly to Wyoming and so I was already up and going when the plumber called at 6:50 Am. He said he would be there in about half an hour. When he arrived, he had to un-bury the septic tank again to get to the clean out valve. He used a power rotor rooter and LUCKILY, the drain was clogged going into the house.

Hope you have a great day and when you get discouraged, be grateful that you have a sense of humor and that life really isn’t all that bad…and if you can’t do that, imagine my morning this morning and I am sure you will giggle…I am!